Iceberg Wedge Salad with "Ranch" Dressing

I got back from work and was about to go for a jog.  I was changing into spandexy, painted-on, exercise capri pants.  I reached into my drawer for a thong and then I stopped myself.  "Why the HELL should i wear a thong?"  I have never stopped to really ask myself this question.  I'm just a marionette for fashion laws...the ones I know about.

When did society deem it unacceptable to exhibit a panty line?  Is it such a violation to display evidence that undergarments reside beneath these pants?  Big deal.  So I wear underwear.

Today, I will go jog with real, functional, and comfortable underwear.  Today, this bum is not leaving the house without a saddle.

The ABSENCE of panty lines - now that should be frowned upon rather than the other way around.   The absence of panty lines means one of two things. (1) you are not wearing undergarments....a concept that sounds sexy on TV and in movies, but I'm not in the market to attract that kind of audience.  And plus, that's just gross.  Wear some freakin' underwear, people.  Or (2) you're wearing a thong, which raises the following question:  Why is the fabric of your underwear occupying real estate on your body that was already claimed by toilet paper?

Choose another wedge instead.

The Wedge Salad is a classic that never fails to please.  It's a nice presentation and pretty easy to deliver.  Traditionally, it's served with bleu cheese, but I personally find bleu cheese offensive in both smell and taste.  But obviously, the ultimate offense is the spelling.

While we are trying to eat less processed foods and more foods closer to their natural state, I chose to make a ranch imitation using Greek yogurt instead.  I admit, sometimes, you just need ranch.  But here, I found that this lighter alternative worked very well.  Clearly, I'm not a marionette for food laws.

Vegetarian Iceberg Wedge Salad with "Ranch"

recipe by rabbit food rocks

No bleu cheese.  No bacon.  This salad is still both pleasing to the eye and palate.  The smoked paprika emulates the smokiness of bacon. 

Ingredients:
1/2 cup greek yogurt (I prefer FAGE brand)
1 Tablespoon finely chopped chives
1 garlic clove, finely grated or minced
salt and pepper to taste
1/2 head of iceberg lettuce, cut into 4 wedges (slices)
2 Tablespoons finely sliced green onions (scallions)
2 Tablespoons finely diced red bell pepper
2 Tablespoons pumpkin seeds (salted is just fine!)
1/8 teaspoon smoked paprika

Directions:
1.  Combine the first four ingredients to make the imitation/low-fat/faux ranch dressing.  Mix well and then depending on consistency, add up to 1-1/2 Tablespoons water to thin it out to make it more like a dressing, but don't make it runny.  When I make it, it's not pourable...and yes, I made up that word. Season to taste.
2. Plate all 4 wedges on a serving dish and spoon the dressing evenly over each quarter, on the cut side of the wedge.
3.  Sprinkle each wedge with green onions, red bell pepper, and pumpkin seeds.
4.  Garnish with a generous pinch of smoked paprika on each wedge.